A thing about death and dying.

My pop passed away a week ago today. He had been in hospice care for over a month. It is an odd feeling to be blindsided by something you know is coming. But that's life...

I miss him more and more each day, so much so that I want nothing more than to stop missing him and keeping missing him all at the same time which makes me feel like I am going crazy. There is good death and bad death. Pop was fortunate to live a good life and die a good death. He died at home, in bed, with his family by his side after 88 years of a life well lived and full of love.

I have 32 years of Pop memories--oddly enough a lot of them involving fruit. He taught me how to peel an orange  and when he cut up strawberries he always dumped enough sugar on them that by the end of the day they'd become this thick, strawberry syrup that I hated then and would do anything to taste now. He taught me how to tie a balloon knot* (*I think...either Pop or a waiter we had at Friendly's once when I was 8). He was always there, for all of the things--orthodontist appts, rides to friends houses, pickups from the mall. He and my Gram took a cross country road trip when he retired and he grew a beard.

I don't know what I believe in or what makes me feel most at peace, but I do have some thoughts on how I think things go-down post-life and where I think Pop is now.

I don't believe in heaven. I just, it's just...I mean there are so many arguments to be made against it. And personally, the thought of being somewhere for eternity, anywhere for eternity, freaks me out and makes me feel trapped--no matter how sublime that place may be. Give me all the finite things in the world, thank you.

I really do believe in energies being the driving force in everyday life and in the universe. To that end, whenever I am really struggling to figure out where Pop has gone or if he knows that we are having a thunderstorm today or if he can sense that he may miss having martinis, I try to bring it all back to basics and ease my mind by thinking about Pop's energy (alright, we can call it a spirit). Energy can neither be created nor destroyed...so all of Pop's goodness, all of that positive energy has just been passed on to the universe. I like to believe that positive energy will go to the positive things so Pop's good is passed on and hanging out with all of the other good. That's where Pop is and what's become of his spirit. He's in the energy it takes to laugh and to listen to a good song.

I love you, Pop. I miss you like mad but you're all around each and every one of us in all of the positive ways our lives play out.

xo