Summer Stuff

-movies
-french game
-white caterpillars
-cool weather
-ice cream

A thing about death and dying.

My pop passed away a week ago today. He had been in hospice care for over a month. It is an odd feeling to be blindsided by something you know is coming. But that's life...

I miss him more and more each day, so much so that I want nothing more than to stop missing him and keeping missing him all at the same time which makes me feel like I am going crazy. There is good death and bad death. Pop was fortunate to live a good life and die a good death. He died at home, in bed, with his family by his side after 88 years of a life well lived and full of love.

I have 32 years of Pop memories--oddly enough a lot of them involving fruit. He taught me how to peel an orange  and when he cut up strawberries he always dumped enough sugar on them that by the end of the day they'd become this thick, strawberry syrup that I hated then and would do anything to taste now. He taught me how to tie a balloon knot* (*I think...either Pop or a waiter we had at Friendly's once when I was 8). He was always there, for all of the things--orthodontist appts, rides to friends houses, pickups from the mall. He and my Gram took a cross country road trip when he retired and he grew a beard.

I don't know what I believe in or what makes me feel most at peace, but I do have some thoughts on how I think things go-down post-life and where I think Pop is now.

I don't believe in heaven. I just, it's just...I mean there are so many arguments to be made against it. And personally, the thought of being somewhere for eternity, anywhere for eternity, freaks me out and makes me feel trapped--no matter how sublime that place may be. Give me all the finite things in the world, thank you.

I really do believe in energies being the driving force in everyday life and in the universe. To that end, whenever I am really struggling to figure out where Pop has gone or if he knows that we are having a thunderstorm today or if he can sense that he may miss having martinis, I try to bring it all back to basics and ease my mind by thinking about Pop's energy (alright, we can call it a spirit). Energy can neither be created nor destroyed...so all of Pop's goodness, all of that positive energy has just been passed on to the universe. I like to believe that positive energy will go to the positive things so Pop's good is passed on and hanging out with all of the other good. That's where Pop is and what's become of his spirit. He's in the energy it takes to laugh and to listen to a good song.

I love you, Pop. I miss you like mad but you're all around each and every one of us in all of the positive ways our lives play out.

xo

Something your dad does that I pretend to hate (but secretly love)

The same week that you became the size of a bell pepper, you also gained the ability to hear the outside world around you. I was instructed by some silly baby app to read, play music and talk to you. You've heard a lot of me listening to the Garden State soundtrack (don't ask-it's been a rough month) and yelling a whole bunch (at Lucy, at commercials, at trying to open cereal boxes). 

Because of all my loudness, your dad insists on whispering to you so he doesn't hurt your brand new baby ears. Last Wednesday I was eating Chinese food on the couch and spilled it everywhere. He leaned in super close to you and whispered 'your mom just got brown rice all over you'. 

Gum

Dear baby-

I am apologizing in advance in the event that I have somehow seriously harmed you. When I was dusting the bar on Saturday, I was completely overcome by the desire to eat stale (oh so very stale) bubble-gum cigarettes that we have displayed next to the booze for a few years now. Admittedly, they look pretty rad there because it's campy? I guess...or whatever. But it's kind of been an unspoken rule that no one should be eating them. And not only did I eat the gum, but I swallowed it.  I am pregnant-snacking like a misbehaved dog that has been left home alone for too long. Next, couch crumbs.

I ate 3 cigarettes within minutes. They're fashioned out of  'dusty gum' and you'll become acquainted with dusty gum from trading cards, or at least I hope so anyway....it's quite possibly illegal now and you'll most likely get some bullshit sticker. But, we have plenty of un-opened packs of New Kids on the Block and The Goonies cards for you.

So good news for your 8-year-old self....there will always be stale gum in this house one way or the other.

Go ahead and eat some-life's too short not to.

Two new things on a Thursday:

1-I planted Moonflower seeds that my friend Kyle gave me. Can't wait to watch them bloom on summer nights...if they make it out of seed-stage with my green thumb* (*on opposite day!)

2- I made these and HOLY SHIT.

Currently

Last Saturday after leaving my grandparents house for a quick visit that was chock full of good vibes for Pop and bowls of peanuts (my grandmother was aghast that we surprised-stopped by and all she could offer us were peanuts. AGHAST) Ryan turned to me in the car and said 'I love our life'.

We were in the middle of nowhere on the Garden State Parkway and for some reason it was exactly where he needed/wanted to be. And I gushed--and I'm still gushing. We were going to LBI to have dinner and hang out with friends and on Sunday we were going to the track with his dad (they were in it for the boozing, I was in it for the ice cream). And he was right--our life, and all of our complaining about it from time to time, is really pretty remarkable. We get to do some pretty rad things with some pretty rad people (duh, each other) and know that we are exactly where we need/want to be.

I saw this on Pinterest the other day and it reminded me of this whole car exchange with Ryan so much:

I want more people to share these moments. To say those four simple little words...and then let me think on it for days later.